


Justice League Olympus

by chellerrific



Category: DCU, Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world is so boned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Justice League Olympus

At the summit of Mount Olympus, in the secret headquarters of the international organization known as the Justice League, Zeus was calling everyone to order. He stood at the head of the table, the red Z shield emblazoned on his chest like a command.

“Hey, bitches, pipe down,” Zeus finally snapped when nobody would shut up. “Listen to Superman before he blasts you all with heat vision.”

“If you’re Superman,” Poseidon spoke up on his left, “why does your costume have a Z on it?”

“Because you’re jealous your ‘superpower’ is talking to fish,” said Zeus, in a way that answered the question perfectly despite not answering it at all, because he was Zeus, and that was why.

Poseidon grumbled under his breath. He hated being Aquaman.

Across the table from him, on Zeus’s right, Hera smirked. Poseidon stuck his tongue out at her, but she pretended not to notice. He decided he would spend the meeting shooting spit balls down her Wonder Woman cleavage.

On his other side, Demeter nudged him discreetly with her elbow, then raised a small straw to her lips and blew. The spit ball hit its mark with pinpoint accuracy.

Demeter quickly hid the straw and she and Poseidon put on their best innocent faces.

Zeus wasn’t fooled. “Black Canary, stop hitting on Wonder Woman. Save that for after the meeting. No Aquamans allowed.”

Poseidon crossed his arms over his chest and sulked.

“Can we _please_ get this over with?” Hades grumbled from further down the table.

“You don’t have to be here,” Zeus said. “After all, you don’t even have superpowers, Batman. Hey, how’s Batgirl? Still got those legs that won’t quit? Oh man, those in latex…”

Hades glowered at him through his cowl. “ _Persephone_ is fine.”

“Come on, don’t be so bitter. You’ll always have your little Boy Wonder to yourself.”

“Robin is female. Hecate, remember?”

“Oh, right! You’re fucking the other one now, what’s his name…” Zeus snapped his fingers. “Nightwing.”

“I am _not_ ‘fucking’ Thanatos—”

“All those in favor of talking about anything other than Batman’s sex life?” Demeter cut in loudly.

The vote was unanimously “aye.”

“Excuse me,” Athena spoke up. “I believe it is customary to begin with some form of roll call, to make sure all are in attendance.”

“The Justice League only has twelve members,” said Zeus.

“Thirteen,” Hades grumbled.

“Twelve members and Batman.”

“You do have difficulty with numerals of more than one digit, if you will recall,” Athena added.

Zeus rubbed his chin. “Fair enough. All right, let’s go in order of awesome. Superman! Oh wait, that’s me. Here! Wonder Woman.”

Hera adjusted her left bracelet until it was just so. “Present.”

“Black Canary.”

“Here,” Demeter said around the next spit ball she was preparing.

“Dove.”

Athena’s expression was unchanged, though everyone at the table could tell she was having serious issues with being called fourth. “I am present.”

“Hawk.”

Ares, sitting on Athena’s left, had his whole focus on playing Pokémon and didn’t respond.

“Hawk!”

“ _D’oh!_ ” shouted Ares. “Wonder Mommy! I still can’t beat Whitney’s Miltank!”

“Sand attack and fighting types, dear, remember?” Hera told him.

“She keeps killing Cyndaquil,” Ares said, fighting back tears.

“Cyndaquil is not a good bet against Rollout. Dry your eyes and try again with Machop or perhaps Geodude.”

“I think it is safe to say Hawk is also present,” Athena spoke up.

“Zatanna,” Zeus went on.

“Here!” said Aphrodite.

“Zatanna’s cleavage.”

Aphrodite gave a small upper-body shimmy from where she sat. “Also here.”

“Plastic Man.”

Dionysus, despite being sat at the far end of the table from her, was busy concentrating on helping himself to a handful of the one who preceded him in roll call order.

“Plastic Man, get your hand out of Zatanna’s cleavage and answer me.”

Dionysus sighed and pulled his hand back to its normal size and shape. “Here, I guess.”

“Wonder Twins.”

“Here and here!” Apollo said, waving sunnily.

Artemis put her head in her hand. “I hate being called that.”

“But we _are_ the Wonder Twins, Jayna!”

Artemis sighed. “My point exactly.”

“Flash,” said Zeus.

“Here,” said Hermes. “And here. And here. And here.”

Hera snapped her lasso around him without batting an eyelash, and he fell in a heap on the floor mid-sprint.

“Thank you, dear. Red Tornado.”

“Present,” said Hephaestus, sitting up perfectly straight despite the fact that he couldn’t have sounded less interested in what was going on.

“Aquadork.”

Poseidon glared. “Here.”

“Batdork. Wait, I know you’re here because what else would you have to do? All right, that concludes roll call.” Zeus shivered. “It’s a bit chilly in here. Captain Marvel, can you stoke the fire? Captain Marvel?”

“And see, Rollout already has poor accuracy, so if you can manage a few Sand Attacks, like your mother suggested, she’ll have a really hard time doing much damage to you. Good luck, sweetie; I know you can do it!”

“Hestia!”

Hestia jumped where she stood coaching Ares. “Oh, right—sorry, b—Superman.” She looked around the room. “Does anybody want any tea?”

Before anyone could answer, there was a loud beeping sound.

“I’m going to incinerate whoever’s responsible for that noise in about ten seconds if they don’t stop it,” Zeus said, looking pointedly at Apollo.

Hera put a hand on his arm. “Dear, that’s your alarm.”

Zeus blinked. “Oh! Right!” He took out his phone and cancelled the alarm. “Shoot. I didn’t mean for this to run so long. Meeting adjourned, everyone!”

“But we have accomplished nothing,” Athena pointed out.

“So pretty standard for one of our meetings,” Hermes said.

“Don’t care, beat it,” Zeus said, then turned to leave.

Poseidon hurried after him. “Wait. Where are you going?”

“To bang Lois Lane.”

“But I thought Hera was Wonder Woman.”

Zeus furrowed his brow. “I don’t understand the question?”

Poseidon sighed and let Zeus leave without him. His tights were riding up something fierce and he wanted to get out of this stupid costume anyway.


End file.
